La Vie en Tay: Bienvenue

Homesick for Shiner Cheer in Paris during the holidays after my first semester of my MFA in Photography. What I like here, what I don't, and a baguette per day to keep the cloudy day blues away.

I’m sitting here listening to deeply country music that I would never willingly listen to unless I was a little homesick. Hell, my mom (legally - hi, TSA) smuggled me some El Patio salsa in a suitcase so I can have something spicy for one week sometime in the next few months where I dedicate to eating all my salsa and have a tummy ache every night but its so worth it. I took some pictures of myself crying about missing my friends the other night because as one of my ongoing photo projects, I’m trying to make the normal parts of women’s lives more…well, normalized. More seen. And with that, more respected. Given equal rights. The bare minimum. You know, all of that.

So, yeah, I miss home (Austin) but it’s this weird feeling like I don’t necessarily want to live there instead and I don’t regret this move - although, some days I question. The days I’m counting my money a little more than I used to when I had a thriving and lucrative business in Austin, the days I don’t see the sun once in a week, the FaceTimes with friends where I realize their babies are now walking (!!?!) …it’s hard not to miss some stuff.

Oohff, here’s the hard part.

The part that’s equally hard to accept is that I am doing something hard and brave. I literally erased the words “really hard and really brave” because I don’t think I should give myself *that much credit* I mean, I’m living in France and have 4 types of butter in my (half-sized) fridge…boohoo. But this last 5 months since I’ve moved and the semester of school was really, really difficult. I think probably the most difficult season I’ve been through apart from the end of my marriage - my divorce. COVID sucked, too. For so many reasons…and so many shitty people. Wow, remember how many people you used to like before COVID? They probably suck now! They definitely voted for Tr*mp (a word I’ve started censoring since I feel like no one should have to look at this name any more than they have to).

Anyway.

It’s been really difficult, but I am still here, doing the hard thing.

I guess I haven’t really shared in this way before - all at once. And this is one reason I’ve been interested in longer form writing that’s not just for an algorithm (do you know how many hashtags we have to look through to stay relevant as photographers??).

But I think I could summarize the difficulty of this season by:

• How much I missed people, and seeing them so regularly (family, close friends, people at the gym, your neighbor, etc.) There’s actually a lot of people in your life, even if you don’t see them as “people you’d miss”. I’m meeting people, some really good people (hi cuties!), but it’s slooooow compared to Austin. Most of my “friends” here are fellow expats, either from America or the UK or Italy etc. Plus, I just had a really damn amazing community back in Austin since I grew up there and am still very close with my middle/high school friends and their cute babies (there were about 6 new babies the year before I left!). I miss them, because we have always leaned on each other and now leaning is harder with a 7-hour time differences and nap times and not actually being able to go over to their house when I need a hug. I miss them and I love them forever and longterm female friendship is so beautiful.

• The language and cultural barrier. Ohhhlala…the French! The language, I am learning. I know Spanish, so learning French has been okay, but it’s a hard language to learn for many and my brain is just adjusting slowly. I didn’t have brain space or time in my schedule last semester to do a class, so I’m hoping to do one in the spring or summer. I’m learning a lot through osmosis, but when you’re on the train/in a bar/literally anywhere and everyone is speaking in a different language than you for 5 months…yeah that does something to your brain. I have to admit that I think Americans who move to London or English-speaking places abroad are both more weak and likely much smarter than I.

• I went from being my own boss, making my own schedule, doing pretty much whatever I wanted whenever I wanted (okay this is a stretch but go with the idea), to having to be across the city 4 days a week at specific times for 8 hours a day and 6 new strangers (okay, my paid professors) telling me what to do every day and for an internally rebellious, highly independent entrepreneur, that’s like A BIG NON MERCI!!! I miss editing on my couch every night. I miss the client base I had - some I’ve had for 7+ years. I miss the consistent income from doing what I love. Hoping that comes back again soon, and I understand there are seasons for this and seasons for that. But also the level of school work I’m doing is very heavy research and very academic writing and technical, so there is just a lot going on in this brain of mine every day! It’s exhausting! Learning is exhausting! Creating is exhausting!

• I miss the sun and nature. I literally am a girl whose first tattoo was a mountain range. Like, city life ain’t it for me forever. I am an active 31 year old who finds the best deep peace and healing through plopping herself in nature and just being in awe. Paris metro ain’t it, babe!!!

Okay, enough complaining. I hate how much I complain now, but that’s a very French thing. Ew, I hate that! And I hate that I hate that! Putain!*

*cussing in French is fun though, sorry.

It’s been a rough semester, but I have so many parts about it that I love.

I love the food.
The 4 types of butter, 5 types of cheeses, daily traditional baguette, €4 delicious Cotes du Rhone that are all within a few feet of me right now should make you salivate and jealous and it’s truly a foodie’s dream living here.

And I love living in Europe.
I have free healthcare/even the things I pay for are like $7 and then I can get them reimbursed lol. I take public transportation everywhere and not driving is great. I’m heading to the south of France to ski tomorrow and have a 6 hour train and I will drink coffee and eat my croissant and work and read and then I’ll be in the mountains and oh, and not paying a fortune for any of this, and I guess that just feels like how life should be??? I love how everyone I know has lived in different places than I’ve lived and has so rich of a history. I love how I am not scared of guns every fucking day. I love how I’m the only white person at my metro stop because I live next to a North African community and it’s good for white folks to feel what it feels like to be the minority in the room. I love how I went from walking about 2 miles a day to 5 miles on average, and that’s without all the running I’m doing in the gym. I love that I am not in a nation that voted for Tr*mp right now, and I think I’m going to feel even better about that come January 20th. I don’t know that I foresee myself coming back to live in the US before this administration comes to an end (god, please let it actually come to an end), and maybe even longer. I like Europe. That’s a lot of why I moved here.

Anyway!!! This is getting long and this is just my first post so let me not dig myself into an insane hole yet here.

I just want to be able to document this all in a way that isn’t just about Instagram photos or playing games I don’t even care to play. I just want to be me and share the realities of this season and see if you find it interesting or relatable or if not, and no one reads this, I will consider this my private journal (jk, I sort of did that once and it did NOT go well. My Christian-extremist controlling ex-husband hacked into all my accounts. That was before he stalked me 4 years post-divorce and has continued to harass me because he is delusional and believes that God will bring us back together. More on THAT fun season another time).

I’m Taylor and I live in Paris and I love to take photos that make people feel good about themselves and I am T I R E D and want to go eat those cheeses now, svp (shorthand for “si vous plait” and I love it).

I hope you might come along for this ride.

Talk soon, k?

-La Vie en Tay